Missing my mom...

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My mom passed away this Saturday morning.
We did the wake and a brief graveside tribute.

My brother and I have been taking shifts for about a month (his daytime, mine the over night hours since I'm a night owl anyway)
It took me a bit to get used to being awake all night but I got used to it.
Now I'm trying to get back to my normal sleep patterns.


Mom had terminal cancer and up until this past month could get around on her own with only a little help.
The month of May was different, she got very weak and unable to do the things she always could before.
It was very hard to watch her fail so quickly.
A Hospice nurse came in once a day for a few hours to check on her and we did everything else.
We were determined to keep her in her own home in peace with constant care instead of in a hospital or nursing home.
I feel very proud that we were able to do that for her and give her the attention and complete care that she deserved.
She was 89 years old and I miss her very much all ready.

I was there when she passed quietly in the early morning.
Now her house feels so odd to me. I want her to be there in her chair.
I don't want to go through her things.


I rarely got more than 2-3 hours a day sleep which creates interesting havoc on your state of mind but I sort of got used to it.
I have a family and a son graduating high school this June.
All this in the middle of proms and class trips just for the one son.
I have one other son at home (he's 20) and a daughter who for now is staying here too.
Our oldest son came in from Washington DC where he lives and just went back today.
Ours is a very small clan.
I realized this week that my husband who lost both his parents by twenty was very upset by my mom's passing too.
He's known her for over 40 years now.

I'm tired. Worn out, weary and just want to hide out for a while, but it never works out that way around here.
I don't know exactly what I feel right now.
Just incredibly weird.
Like something's horribly wrong but I can't wrap my mind around it.
I'm not numb at least not yet. I'm not angry either.
But I know myself well enough to know both are coming.
I hope I'll be ready.


I have some thoughts I wrote on my laptop very late one night that I want to share.
I will post them tomorrow night.
For now I could really use some sleep.

G'night,

Laura